I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO TURN MY PLAN AROUND

(Saward, Ribbits)

(phrases in brackets are asides)

EMO GLOBIN.

(romantic and appalled and cunning by turns!)

In moonlight you’re beautiful (it hides your face,

In sunlight you couldn’t be worse).

My heart has grown dutiful - you’re pride of place.

(The place I think for you would be a hearse)

If you were my wife then I’d kiss your hand

(That way I would avoid your awful breath)

I’d lay down my life (and if things go as planned

Then soon you’ll be doing the same, dear)

I’m going to love you to death!

COCO:

(appalled)

I couldn’t marry you, so please don’t ask me to.

So then I guess you’ll have to turn your plan around.

To me you don’t exist; you’re just not on my list

Of tasty choices when I want a man around.

I want a man who’s generous and kind and who

Will give me nice and dear things when I say “I do”

Oh dear, I’ve just seen a hitch, because you’re so very rich.

It seems I haven’t thought this through

Oh darling, of course I’ll marry you. I can see the wedding now. It’ll be sumptuous.

(COCO gets carried away with her plans as GLOBIN gets ever more worried)

In Saint Paul’s Cathedral we’ll sign up for life

(because you have money to spare)

A dodecahedral gem ring for your wife;

A golden wedding dress for me to wear.

We’ll give out a gift to the folks in the town;

Jewell’d goblets made of gold to drink our health.

But thinking of thrift, I’ll keep the costs down

By cooking the banquet myself! (GLOBIN is horrified)

GLOBIN.

(horrified)

My plan this does disrupt; I’ll soon end up bankrupt.

So then I guess I’ll have to turn my plan around.

And though I want this house, can it be worth a spouse

Who’ll end up leaving me financially unsound.

She’ll make my life so onerous and out of groove

But it’s the only way that I can make her move.

And though I can’t stand her face, to get my hands on this place

I’ll have to take rough with the smooth!

Last two verses are sung simultaneously by COCO and GLOBIN but to the audience, not to each other.

COCO (upbeat verse). So after all these years there’s no more cause for tears Oh yes, at last I’ll have someone to plan around! The time for tears has past, I’ll cash my chips at last Oh how I’ve longed to have a wealthy man around. When my first husband died and broke my little heart	GLOBIN (romantic verse) Oh I’m such a rotter that once we are wed And I’ve gotten my hands on the keys, I think I’ll garotte her or bash in her head And then she’ll rest in peace My kisses of strychnine my time I will bide
I never thought that happiness could ever start But now again I’m a wife; I’m sure this time it’s for life	To still her beating heart. My missus is sick’ning; and though she’s my bride
That is until death makes us… Money, money! (looking into each other’s eyes)	Well, it’s only til death makes us… Money, money!
I see a prosp’rous future Till death do us part!	I see a prosp’rous future Till death do us part!