INITIAL DIAGNOSIS

RENFIELD. Ooh! I say! Your heart is bumping along nineteen to the dozen.

LUCY. I do feel a bit faint.

Piano introduction to the song begins…

RENFIELD (spoken, but in time with the music) .

It’s lucky you came here, my dear.

It’s the first case like this

In my medical career.

But where, might I ask, does one start

(breaking into song)

In this rare circumstance

When a girl’s… (tails off, unable to think of the word)

When a girl’s…

NARRATOR (to audience).

Lost control of her heart.

RENFIELD (spoken).

Tell me more of your symptoms.

(speaking over the music)

Now, do you hurt when you laugh?

(she shakes her head to each suggestion)

Or throb in the bath?

Get chills in the nights?

See pink flashing lights?

When Autumn arrives

Do you come out in hives?

Or shrink when it’s wet;

Give fleas to your pet?

(she denies each one in turn)

Or are you a lass

That suffers with gas?

(she looks a bit noncommittal at this one)

So nothing unusual there.

LUCY.

Doctor, I need a swift cure

Only you can effect,

And of that I am sure.

NARRATOR (to audience).

If only he’d look then he’d see!

That maybe he needs treatment too…

LUCY (cutting in, also to audience).

…and that treatment is me!

RENFIELD.

(spoken)

A physical examination, then.

LUCY (still to audience). I thought he’d never ask.

RENFIELD.

Nothing wrong with your toes

As toes-wrongness goes.

And both of your feet

Look perfectly sweet.

Your shins and your knees

Are sturdy as trees

It’s no big surprise

You’ve good healthy thighs.

And if I touch here -

You look faint, my dear

Perhaps you should take a seat?

LUCY (spoken). I don’t think I could swallow that, even with a glass of water.

RENFIELD.

Your stomach?

LUCY.

It shakes

RENFIELD.

Your sternum?

LUCY.

It aches!

You’re getting quite near.

RENFIELD.

Yes, the cause could be here.

Your arms and your face…

LUCY.

Just want to embrace!

RENFIELD.

Yes, so it would seem.

LUCY.

I feel in a dream.

And if we could kiss.

He dodges out of her arms and goes for the medical dictionary.

RENFIELD.

I’ve never seen this!

I think I must look it up!

LUCY.

Doctor, no need for a book.

Can’t you tell from my one simple desperate look?

RENFIELD (flicking pages; spoken over the musical line).

“KISSING, see DERANGED, above,”

LUCY.

I don’t think it’s madness,

Unless it’s from falling in love.

RENFIELD (spoken). Love? (flicks pages) It’s not listed here.

LUCY. For you’ve captured my heart I’m getting the sense That we’re at the start Of something immense. (now frustrated) You’d have to be dense To not have a clue Can’t you feel it too?

RENFIELD (interpolating). What could be the diagnosis? Jaundice, croup or deep thrombosis When I get the right prognosis: No more thrills, just pills in doses. I have it!

(pause)

RENFIELD.

The trouble with you

I now can impart:

I think that it’s heart –

BURN!

LUCY (spoken; crestfallen).

Oh! Can’t I get a second opinion?

RENFIELD.

(spoken) Yes, blue doesn’t suit you.

(sung) That’s fifty guineas, please.

Next!